Christmas means something

This is my 2nd Christmas since the split, and I can say it’s SO MUCH BETTER than last year. It’s still very hard. The holidays make me feel lonely because it’s hard not to think about all the previous years I had a built in 2nd family and all associated plans. I was rather laissez-faire toward the whole idea, enjoying bits and pieces, and sometimes resenting all the effort.

Now, I miss all aspects of it. I spent most of December trying to see friends and family as much as I could. I accepted invites I normally wouldn’t and exhausted myself in the process, but it was worth it.

I have a small family here in Canada, but seeing them has become very important to me. Funny how this divorce/split/life-altering event is changing my perceptions like that. I know this is something that comes with age, but I value my family so much more.

I’m also glad this shit-hole of a year is almost over. On a personal note it wasn’t the WORST, near the end I grew better, stronger, and happier. All the sadness I felt at the beginning of the year, and the confusion and feelings and monuments I endured (a foray into the shit-hole world of online dating, selling the condo that represented my dream life) have definitely made me stronger for having survived them.

I’m still glad to put all of these things firmly in my rear-view mirror. Upon the strike of midnight EST January 1st, 2016 – my thoughts may have drifted from what I was doing (watching The Godfather alone, sick, in my new batchelorette pad I reluctantly lived in), and floated into some sort of sentiment of “just survive your fucking disaster of a life”.

This year, I’m restored enough to actually consider my future more. I can think about the things I want, and with intent – pursue them. I’m a little excited by this since it has been a long time since I felt a specific fire to pursue anything in life. It’s also confusing because I’ve always been far too afraid to be fully ambitious, so I’m not really clear on how that works. I know the idea of anxiety creating a ridiculous fear that drives me not to success, but moderate-not-failing and settling. Dare I try to do a little more? (the voice in my head still says ‘no! don’t! be safe!’) I don’t know. I’ll try. I’ll try a bit harder than before.

So, here’s to finishing off 2016 as positively as possible… and with genuine hope for 2017.

I made a thing! The Beaverito poster

One of my bestest friends is moving to Illinois with her brand new baby, and somewhat new husband.  It’s a big scary change to start a new life, and she had mentioned she’d wanted friends to contribute some art work to be put in the walls of young Cedar’s nursery.

Bonus points for anything Canadian.
– Steph

And so I did a rough doodle and came up with this. It was printed to an 18″ x 24″ poster, and she LOVED it! I was so relieved. The only difference is in the version I gave her, the purple flags were replaced with scrapbook paper and it spelled out CEDAR. I hope he likes it too, once he’s old enough to see colours and shapes. 🙂

Beaverito
Beaverito is at home in both the city and the wilderness.

I made in Illustrator CC.  I’m really proud of how the beaver turned out and s/he may be involved in some more adventures in the future!  If you ore someone you know would love their own Beaverito poster for a nursery, office, dorm, or any reason – let me know!

 

I want to write.

I was supposed to be watching this concert with HIM. We would have been together, maybe at our home – too lazy to go out. Why would we want to leave to a bar where we would have to pay when we had all the luxuries right there in our home. A comfy couch, a plasma tv, super fast internet. We’d cuddle on the comfy couch. We’d sit and glow together. More likely what would have happened was I would watch it on the couch and he’d be in the other room, playing games. He’d come in occasionally, but for the most part, we wouldn’t be together. I’d think this was good enough. Maybe it once was. But now it isn’t. It isn’t anything. It’s all gone and instead I watched the moment at a bar with a new friend I met from a dating site. A virtual stranger, but a nice person. It was him, his friend and 100 or so strangers, and in a way that was kind of fitting. I wasn’t at a cottage, I wasn’t with that close circle of friends or HIM, and this is my life.

My love of the Hip existed before HIM, but shared by him, and perhaps made stronger by his guitar playing and singing of their songs. But it’s mine again, now. My own. My love of the songs will continue after HIM and won’t always make me choke up and cry, at least not for the same reasons.

He said “Have a nice life”, as he left the stage. And like the other millions of people watching that night, I will.

Yup I’m doing it. #courage #thetragicallyhip #onenationundergord #ingordwetrust

A photo posted by Anita Bot 🐽 (@anitabot) on

Emoji Cookies

Emoji Cookies

I baked some sweet emoji cookies for work! We were having a fundraising effort, so I baked 6 different types of cookies to order. It was a fun, if not insanely time consuming project. I realize I love the decorating part, but don’t care for the part where I have to make the icing, and the cookies, and of course the clean up. If I could just walk in, decorate, and leave – that’d be ideal. heh.

Vanila sugar cookies with royal icing.