This is my 2nd Christmas since the split, and I can say it’s SO MUCH BETTER than last year. It’s still very hard. The holidays make me feel lonely because it’s hard not to think about all the previous years I had a built in 2nd family and all associated plans. I was rather laissez-faire toward the whole idea, enjoying bits and pieces, and sometimes resenting all the effort.
Now, I miss all aspects of it. I spent most of December trying to see friends and family as much as I could. I accepted invites I normally wouldn’t and exhausted myself in the process, but it was worth it.
I have a small family here in Canada, but seeing them has become very important to me. Funny how this divorce/split/life-altering event is changing my perceptions like that. I know this is something that comes with age, but I value my family so much more.
I’m also glad this shit-hole of a year is almost over. On a personal note it wasn’t the WORST, near the end I grew better, stronger, and happier. All the sadness I felt at the beginning of the year, and the confusion and feelings and monuments I endured (a foray into the shit-hole world of online dating, selling the condo that represented my dream life) have definitely made me stronger for having survived them.
I’m still glad to put all of these things firmly in my rear-view mirror. Upon the strike of midnight EST January 1st, 2016 – my thoughts may have drifted from what I was doing (watching The Godfather alone, sick, in my new batchelorette pad I reluctantly lived in), and floated into some sort of sentiment of “just survive your fucking disaster of a life”.
This year, I’m restored enough to actually consider my future more. I can think about the things I want, and with intent – pursue them. I’m a little excited by this since it has been a long time since I felt a specific fire to pursue anything in life. It’s also confusing because I’ve always been far too afraid to be fully ambitious, so I’m not really clear on how that works. I know the idea of anxiety creating a ridiculous fear that drives me not to success, but moderate-not-failing and settling. Dare I try to do a little more? (the voice in my head still says ‘no! don’t! be safe!’) I don’t know. I’ll try. I’ll try a bit harder than before.
So, here’s to finishing off 2016 as positively as possible… and with genuine hope for 2017.